dating app fiction
COHORT 6
GIRL, UNSPECIFIED AGE
CITY, STATE, COUNTRY
PROFILE LAST UPDATED: JUNE 27TH
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LIKES (TAGS) : Art, Walt Whitman, David Foster Wallace, Portraits, Italian Cuisine, Hot Uncles, SoulCycle Memberships, Vitamix Blenders, Skim Milk, Soft Kleenex, Tabloids
DISLIKES (TAGS) : Mac ‘N Cheese, Soda, Anything Over 1000 Calories, Regular Gyms, National Geographic, Ugly Fathers, Handkerchiefs, Stuffed Animals, Gift Shops That Don’t Sell Jewelry, Passports With No Passport Covers, French Unless During Sex, Travel Tax, Dog Owners, Kurt Vonnegut, Subpar Home Sound Systems
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Hello! My name is GIRL and I am a UNSPECIFIED AGE HERE artist living in CITY. I like to read Walt Whitman and David Foster Wallace in my free time. Every morning, I paint exactly 26 portraits of different white men. Do you want to be the next one?
As you can see from my profile, I really hate mac ‘n cheese. DO NOT BRING THIS UP IN CONVERSATION. THIS IS THE LAST TIME I WILL MENTION IT. I CAN’T EVEN LOOK.
If you are a hot father, please swipe Right on my profile. Or tap the red heart.
If you are a hot uncle, PLEASE swipe Right on my profile. Or tap the red heart.
I am interested in men that will eat Italian with me and go to SoulCycle classes with me. We’ll split the cost.
It’ll be so cute. I’ll shop for you and pick out the best workout clothes and you’re going to look so, so fine.
Please do not even mention going to a regular gym. Once, my best friend got raped at her gym. My mother told me we didn’t want a repeat. She said if it did, at least it meant I was pretty enough. I am being vulnerable here, so please swipe Right on my profile. Tap the red heart even if you aren’t impressed.
What are your favorite Italian dishes? I really love risotto, and I can make it really good. Well, I always UberEats some risotto. But it’s the same thing. You can come over to my apartment. There are six bedrooms but no other people. If we get serious you can invite your other hot father/uncle friends so I can introduce some to my mother.
Please DO NOT swipe right on this profile if you are:
a. Owner of a regular gym, subpar sound system, dog, passport without passport cover, or owner of
a mac ‘n cheese food chain.
b. Ugly father
c. Regular gym-goer
I am looking for a partner. Please swipe Right on my profile, especially if you love 26 white men in your life.
GIRL, UNSPECIFIED AGE
CITY, STATE, COUNTRY
PROFILE LAST UPDATED: JULY 4TH
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LIKES (TAGS) : Art, Walt Whitman, David Foster Wallace, Portraits, Italian Cuisine, Hot Uncles, SoulCycle Memberships, Vitamix Blenders, Skim Milk, Soft Kleenex, Tabloids
DISLIKES (TAGS) : Mac ‘N Cheese, Soda, Anything Over 1000 Calories, Regular Gyms, National Geographic, Ugly Fathers, Handkerchiefs, Stuffed Animals, Gift Shops That Don’t Sell Jewelry, Passports With No Passport Covers, French Unless During Sex, Travel Tax, Dog Owners, Kurt Vonnegut, Subpar Home Sound Systems
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Hello! My name is GIRL and I am a UNSPECIFIED AGE HERE artist living in CITY. I like to read Walt Whitman and David Foster Wallace in my free time. Every morning, I paint exactly 26 portraits of different white men. Do you want to be the next one? Today, I painted Bill Gates.
Please DO NOT swipe right on this profile if you are:
a. Owner of a regular gym, subpar sound system, dog, passport without passport cover, or owner of
a mac ‘n cheese food chain.
b. Ugly father
c. Regular gym-goer
I am looking for a partner. Please swipe Right on my profile, especially if you love 26 white men in your life.
Recently, I have been thinking a lot about the types of gifts I might like:
a. Teddy bears
b. Italian food
c. SoulCycle Lifetime Membership
d. New Vitamix Blenders (at least 26)
e. Kleenex (but custom made with walt whitman’s face printed on it)
HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY! I LOVE AMERICA I’M SUCH A GOOD CITIZEN! WE LOVE HOME
AND FAMILY AND FATHERS!
GIRL, UNSPECIFIED AGE
CITY, STATE, COUNTRY
PROFILE LAST UPDATED: JULY 11TH
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LIKES (TAGS) : Art, Walt Whitman, David Foster Wallace, Portraits, Italian Cuisine, Hot Uncles, SoulCycle Memberships, Vitamix Blenders, Skim Milk, Soft Kleenex, Tabloids
DISLIKES (TAGS) : Mac ‘N Cheese, Soda, Anything Over 1000 Calories, Regular Gyms, National Geographic, Ugly Fathers, Handkerchiefs, Stuffed Animals, Gift Shops That Don’t Sell Jewelry, Passports With No Passport Covers, French Unless During Sex, Travel Tax, Dog Owners, Kurt Vonnegut, Subpar Home Sound Systems
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or if u could give me walt whitman id really appreciate that actually. my therapist keeps telling me that stream of consciousness writing is important to understand my thoughts. sometimes i think that capitalizations r really important but other times i don’t know. what do u think? please let me know when you swipe right haha. right now my phone keeps autocorrecting all weird n i’m not sure what to do. the caps isn’t working.
during our first date I want us to talk a bit about walt and david and why we like them. also maybe talk about good kid names. i keep thinking that blake and bradley are really good ones. i know you don’t like bradley but i’m willing to make a case for it.
GIRL, UNSPECIFIED AGE
CITY, STATE, COUNTRY
PROFILE LAST UPDATED: JULY 9TH
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LIKES (TAGS) : Art, Walt Whitman, David Foster Wallace, Portraits, Italian Cuisine, Hot Uncles, SoulCycle Memberships, Vitamix Blenders, Skim Milk, Soft Kleenex, Tabloids
DISLIKES (TAGS) : Mac ‘N Cheese, Soda, Anything Over 1000 Calories, Regular Gyms, National Geographic, Ugly Fathers, Handkerchiefs, Stuffed Animals, Gift Shops That Don’t Sell Jewelry, Passports With No Passport Covers, French Unless During Sex, Travel Tax, Dog Owners, Kurt Vonnegut, Subpar Home Sound Systems
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I’m really sorry for anyone that’s been clicking on my profile lately. My caps lock wasn’t working. Now that we have that out of the way, My name is GIRL and I am an UNSPECIFIED AGE living in CITY. I know my likes and dislikes are specific but I’m willing to make a case for them. I’d just really like to find someone. Art-lover looking for a partner for life! I’ve turned on autocaps now ;)
GIRL, UNSPECIFIED AGE
CITY, STATE, COUNTRY
PROFILE LAST UPDATED: JULY 18TH
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LIKES (TAGS) : Art, Walt Whitman, David Foster Wallace, Portraits, Italian Cuisine, Hot Uncles, SoulCycle Memberships, Vitamix Blenders, Skim Milk, Soft Kleenex, Tabloids, Avocado Toast
DISLIKES (TAGS) : Mac ‘N Cheese, Soda, Anything Over 1000 Calories, Regular Gyms, National Geographic, Ugly Fathers, Handkerchiefs, Stuffed Animals, Gift Shops That Don’t Sell Jewelry, Passports With No Passport Covers, French Unless During Sex, Travel Tax, Dog Owners, Kurt Vonnegut, Subpar Home Sound Systems
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Hello. My name is GIRL. It’s so nice to meet you. I like to paint 26 portraits of different white men every day. Today I did one of Mark Zuckerberg. I think it was good. Please do not sit on my neck. I’m willing to make a case.
Some people don’t see the benefits of SoulCycle but I really believe it’s all as useful as avocado toast. Every morning, I have to have avocado toast. I can’t have sex without avocado toast. I’m a lightweight, you know, I need to feel like air. All the time. I really love my family. Sometimes I look at my father and he looks like my uncle. Then my mother tells me we don’t want repeats. Honestly, the other day I went to SoulCycle and so many people looked like them. Then I woke up and some guy was at my front door and he was selling National Geographic magazines so I sat on his throat.
Not all of that is true but I think it might all be true. I don’t know, I’ve been looking for some male models recently for my work and the National Geographic seller was the perfect opportunity. Sometimes I really can’t tell if someone has model potential or not. You know, you don’t ever get to know people until you’re having sex with them. It’s the highest tier of affection.
GIRL, UNSPECIFIED AGE
CITY, STATE, COUNTRY
PROFILE LAST UPDATED: JULY 25TH
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LIKES (TAGS) : Art, Walt Whitman, David Foster Wallace, Portraits, Italian Cuisine, Hot Uncles, SoulCycle Memberships, Vitamix Blenders, Skim Milk, Soft Kleenex, Tabloids, Avocado Toast
DISLIKES (TAGS) : Nothing, I’m Approachable
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You know, you don’t ever get to know people until you’re having sex with them. It’s the highest tier of affection. Please swipe right on my profile. I’m bland. I love avocado toast and we’ll be so fine.
GIRL, UNSPECIFIED AGE
CITY, STATE, COUNTRY
PROFILE LAST UPDATED: AUGUST 2ND
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LIKES (TAGS) : Art, Walt Whitman, David Foster Wallace, Portraits, Italian Cuisine, Hot Uncles, SoulCycle Memberships, Vitamix Blenders, Skim Milk, Soft Kleenex, Tabloids, Avocado Toast
DISLIKES (TAGS) : Mac ‘N Cheese, Soda, Anything Over 1000 Calories, Regular Gyms, National Geographic, Ugly Fathers, Handkerchiefs, Stuffed Animals, Gift Shops That Don’t Sell Jewelry, Passports With No Passport Covers, French Unless During Sex, Travel Tax, Dog Owners, Kurt Vonnegut, Subpar Home Sound Systems
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Hello! My name is GIRL and I am an UNSPECIFIED AGE artist living in CITY, STATE, COUNTRY. I went to my therapist yesterday and told her about my problems. The grocery store I get my groceries delivered from stopped selling the brand of skim milk I liked. Also, my Vitamix blender has broken. She also suggested I update this profile and wrote the first part for me.
I like to read David Foster Wallace and Walt Whitman. At night, I stare at their pictures and paint them. I paint their book covers. I paint their faces. I can never get David Foster Wallace’s eyebrows right. In the mornings I paint portraits.
My preferences include hot, family-oriented people. It’s OK if you’re married. It’s OK if you think I look like your niece. I don’t care. My only criteria is that you must match my criteria. You must go to SoulCycle classes with me. You must sweat. You may not wipe your sweat during SoulCycle, only after, when we are showering together. You may not have a pot belly because you are supposed to be hot. You may not drink unless it is French wine and we are on a date. You may not give me stuffed animals.
Do not bring me to gift shops. Unless during sex. Unless I’m wine-drunk. Do not read Kurt Vonnegut unless to shit on him. DO NOT OWN HANDKERCHIEFS. Do not lie on top of me. Do not touch me. Unless during sex. Unless we’re wine-drunk. Unless we’re pretending we’re having sex or that we’re wine-drunk. Unless we’re in a pool and you’re sitting on my throat. Unless we’re in a pool and your hand is in my mouth. Unless I bite down on your fingers. Unless I leave marks.
My therapist told me to be specific. She told me less personality. Do not go to regular gyms with me. Do not wipe away sweat with a handkerchief when you go to regular gyms in secret and I find out. If I find out I’ll try to sit on your throat. I need to meet new people. That’s what my mother said. No repeats, no repeats.
PLEASE, swipe Right on my profile and tap the red heart. Even if you are not impressed. I paint good portraits. Would you like to be my next white man? We will have a great time as long as you pay travel tax when we travel. PLEASE, swipe Right on my profile & tap the red heart. These are part of the criteria. Please follow the criteria. I won’t sit on your throat or put my hand in your mouth. That’s your job. Unless
GIRL, UNSPECIFIED AGE
CITY, STATE, COUNTRY
PROFILE LAST UPDATED: AUGUST 9TH
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LIKES (TAGS) : Art, Walt Whitman, David Foster Wallace, Portraits, Italian Cuisine, Hot Uncles, SoulCycle Memberships, Vitamix Blenders, Skim Milk, Soft Kleenex, Tabloids, Avocado Toast
DISLIKES (TAGS) : Mac ‘N Cheese, Soda, Anything Over 1000 Calories, Regular Gyms, National Geographic, Ugly Fathers, Handkerchiefs, Stuffed Animals, Gift Shops That Don’t Sell Jewelry, Passports With No Passport Covers, French Unless During Sex, Travel Tax, Dog Owners, Kurt Vonnegut, Subpar Home Sound Systems
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hello! my name is girl & i’m trying to be more approachable. this is the result of research. i know i have many likes & dislikes but i think that makes me unique. i really want to meet you. we’ll be wine drunk. sit on each others throats. <3 i’m really cute and small and malleable. please. we’ll COMPROMISE, i’ll walk the dog and you’ll eat avocado toast with me in the mornings. please i’m trying so hard to be good. please, don’t sit on my throat. please don’t put your hand down there. please
GIRL, UNSPECIFIED AGE
CITY, STATE, COUNTRY
PROFILE LAST UPDATED: AUGUST 16TH
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LIKES (TAGS) : Art, Walt Whitman, David Foster Wallace, Portraits, Italian Cuisine, Hot Uncles, SoulCycle Memberships, Vitamix Blenders, Skim Milk, Soft Kleenex, Tabloids, Avocado Toast, Sunscreen, Diffusers, French Wine, Arcade Games, Stilettos
DISLIKES (TAGS) : Mac ‘N Cheese, Soda, Anything Over 1000 Calories, Regular Gyms, National Geographic, Ugly Fathers, Handkerchiefs, Stuffed Animals, Gift Shops That Don’t Sell Jewelry, Passports With No Passport Covers, French Unless During Sex, Travel Tax, Dog Owners, Kurt Vonnegut, Subpar Home Sound Systems, Pools, Club Bathrooms, Pool Bathroooms, Any Locker Room, Family Reunions, Family Dinners, Male Cousins, Oranges, Whole Milk, Gin, Black Coffee, Nail Clippings, Flannels
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Hello! My name is GIRL and I am an UNSPECIFIED AGE artist living in CITY, STATE. My therapist told me that the COUNTRY bit was a bit excessive. We met yesterday and she said my revised dating profile needed editing. So here goes:
I am a wonderfully approachable Walt Whitman/David Foster Wallace fan. I like painting portraits, especially, and enjoy SoulCycle classes. I’ve learned to make so many great things with skim milk and my Vitamix blender! I’m very picky about my wine and would love to go to an arcade for a first date. Or we could go swimming! The outdoors are nice :)
My therapist suggested the above paragraph to me. Please swipe Right on my profile and let me know if you think it’s good ;) ;) ;) She said I should use things like :) ;) :D <3 <33 LOL LMFAO ily imy aww because it makes me more approachable. :)
I really love hot men. I mean, I guess that’s forward. But I like hot men! We’ll go to SoulCycle together, shower together, it’ll be so good. Please don’t bring me to gift shops at public swimming pools. Please don’t fly me to a country thousands of miles away to undress me in an empty gift shop at the public swimming pool. The children are watching. Please, last night I think we were wine-drunk. Last night, we talked about Kurt Vonnegut. I hate Vonnegut. I’m imagining us now by the way ;) lmfao! I imagine that you’re drink whole milk and I’m choking because I HATE WHOLE MILK and I’ve smothered you in a handkerchief because I asked you for skim milk, not whole, and I am sitting on your throat, hand in your mouth, feeling for your teeth. Italian makes your mouth smell & food over 1000 calories makes your stomach churn. It does, for me.
Yesterday, I was peeling oranges and I thought about my soulmate <3 and then my fingers started smelling like oranges so I forgot about it. But please, if I sound like someone you’d want to be with for the rest of your life, someone you wouldn’t find anywhere else (no repeats!), swipe Right on my profile. LOL Please!! <33
GIRL, UNSPECIFIED AGE
CITY, STATE, COUNTRY
PROFILE LAST UPDATED: AUGUST 23RD
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LIKES (TAGS) : Art, <3, :), lmao, LMAO, approachable people, hot people, people that won’t sit on my throat
DISLIKES (TAGS) :
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Hello! My name is GIRL and I am an UNSPECIFIED AGE artist living in CITY, STATE, COUNTRY.
Account inactive. ;) turn me on?Copiedfromwww.google.com/search?/funnyjoke/romantic/a/2039984.html
GIRL, UNSPECIFIED AGE
CITY, STATE, COUNTRY
PROFILE LAST UPDATED: AUGUST 30TH
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LIKES (TAGS) : Art, Walt Whitman, David Foster Wallace, Portraits, Italian Cuisine, Hot Uncles, SoulCycle Memberships, Vitamix Blenders, Skim Milk, Soft Kleenex, Tabloids, Avocado Toast, Sunscreen, Diffusers, French Wine, Arcade Games, Stilettos
DISLIKES (TAGS) : Mac ‘N Cheese, Soda, Anything Over 1000 Calories, Regular Gyms, National Geographic, Ugly Fathers, Handkerchiefs, Stuffed Animals, Gift Shops That Don’t Sell Jewelry, Passports With No Passport Covers, French Unless During Sex, Travel Tax, Dog Owners, Kurt Vonnegut, Subpar Home Sound Systems, Pools, Club Bathrooms, Pool Bathroooms, Any Locker Room, Family Reunions, Family Dinners, Male Cousins, Oranges, Whole Milk, Gin, Black Coffee, Nail Clippings, Flannels
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Hello! My name is GIRL and I am an UNSPECIFIED AGE artist living in CITY, STATE. My therapist told me that self-care is important the other day and that this is a good fact to put on my profile because people love other people that are put-together.
I’d like to ask you, first, if you think we are compatible. I’ve been looking at people’s likes/dislikes to see what we might disagree on, and this is a good fact to put on your dating profile because people love other people that know how to compromise. Compromise is key, remember that, I told you that awhile ago!
I really love painting. I paint 26 different portraits of white men every day. They all look like my uncle/father. I think it’s because I’m really close to them. I really love men that are hot. But I’ll have to ask you not to sit on my throat :/ lmfao! my therapist thinks men shouldn’t put their hands down everywhere, you know?
GIRL, UNSPECIFIED AGE
CITY, STATE, COUNTRY
PROFILE LAST UPDATED: SEPTEMBER 6TH
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LIKES (TAGS) : Art, Walt Whitman, David Foster Wallace, Portraits, Italian Cuisine, Hot Uncles, SoulCycle Memberships, Vitamix Blenders, Skim Milk, Soft Kleenex, Tabloids, Avocado Toast, Sunscreen, Diffusers, French Wine, Arcade Games, Stilettos, Compromising (?), Baby Teeth
DISLIKES (TAGS) : Mac ‘N Cheese, Soda, Anything Over 1000 Calories, Regular Gyms, National Geographic, Ugly Fathers, Handkercohiefs, Stuffed Animals, Gift Shops That Don’t Sell Jewelry, Passports With No Passport Covers, French Unless During Sex, Travel Tax, Dog Owners, Kurt Vonnegut, Subpar Home Sound Systems, Pools, Club Bathrooms, Pool Bathroooms, Any Locker Room, Family Reunions, Family Dinners, Male Cousins, Oranges, Whole Milk, Gin, Black Coffee, Nail Clippings, Flannels, Fists
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Hello! My name is GIRL and I am an UNSPECIFIED AGE artist living in CITY, STATE. My therapist told me that my “choice of imagery perhaps isn’t constructing the best image” of me, so here goes, again:
I am a wonderful Whitman/Wallace fan. I like painting portraits, especially, and enjoy SoulCycle classes.
Let’s imagine we’re at a pool. It’s sunny out. It’s great. We’re a couple. Wine-drunk. You don’t smell like lemon diffuser mist and we’re going to an arcade later. Imagine how you don’t bring me to gift shops. How you didn’t touch me. How none of us sat on throats. How none of us felt around in mouths. The way my teeth didn’t fall out all bloody. Dentures are hard. Imagine how we were never in that locker room at that pool when your niece was outside just waiting for us, the way you talked to me only in French and I didn’t understand, I thought you had just been sitting in that corner just clipping your fucking nails. YOU HAD TO WEAR A FLANNEL... during sex, you took my stilettos off & it was hot.
My therapist likes to say that my mind runs wild. It’s an artist thing, I think. I want to be a perfect couple.
You can move into my house one day, enjoy my superb home sound system. We’ll order Italian takeout and you can dab at the corner of my mouth with soft Kleenex. You can shove your entire fist until my teeth break, dry-ish Kleenex still in hand, force it down my throat until I choke. We’ll dance, not touching, after drinking thousand-year-old French wine. God, I can see the imprints of the swim cap on your forehead. God, imagine if you hadn’t been clipping your nails. I hope you get an ingrown toenail. At dinners maybe I’ll still see you, and we’ll smile, and you’ll give me a stuffed animal and I’ll work to get its heart out.
Maybe one day we’ll go to a regular gym. Compromising is important in all relationships, my mother used to say, whenever we’d go anywhere. Sometimes my grocery delivery gets the wrong type of skim milk, sometimes my portraits of my 26 white men don’t work out too well. And that’s okay! I’m agreeable! And fun! And approachable! And these are all things people want to see in you, GIRL, so please... PLEASE...