Etiology of My Water

Ethan Luk

“Water is something you cannot hold. Like men. I have tried. Father, brother, lover, true friends, hungry ghosts and God, one by one all took themselves out of my hands.”
– Plainwater, Anne Carson

does the sea have patience / to ferry all the ashes / of the lives swallowed / by the boat crash / on Lamma Island / in 2012 / the short shelf life of that headline / most people forgot / but i walked to primary school / picturing their lungs / padded with kelp & seashells / the ashes that formed a mound / on the forehead of the boy / who wanted to kiss me / even though i prayed / help me say no / god / help me say the words / i don’t know how / desire strangled my language / his lust / planted an octopus in my stomach / & it swims / lusting after the ocean / even today / i only knew / how to kiss the freckled cheek / of my father / watching the soccer game / in the basement / three in the morning / a teenager again / slurping 公仔麵 / after a night-out / sinking his body into the bath / like Chinese Olympic gold medalists / Fu Mingxia 1996 / Guo Jingjing 2000 / how wonderful the sound of their falling / how graceful / how easy / to disappear into water / & be applauded / the athletes / now aged / fallen out of love with falling / have kids that practiced pike & tucks / in the womb / don’t take just anybody home / my mother once warned / i explained to her once / how a depressive episode / comes like a wave / & i wait / wait / for the tides to recede / the trick is learning / how to survive during the crash / which is to say / how to keep breathing underwater / but even the best swimmers / on TV / Beijing 2008 / breathe with mouths agape / not so much reaching / for the wall at the end / but something closer / to atonement / to the boy / whom i said no to / i’m sorry / mom / when i stumbled / into your bathroom / & you were naked / you screamed / covered your body in shame / yours / i am yours / the body you passed down / my black hair / my shame / my stillness / & the waves at Lamma still swell / as if the drowned were / clawing their way up / to break / the waves

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